dreams and waking

i know that he's dead. i hate it with everything inside of me. so why does my subconscious make up all of these messed up dreams? every night i experience that awful feeling of knowing that he is gone again and again. and then when i wake up, of course he isn't here. he hasn't been in almost a month now. i don't even FEEL his presence anywhere. i look at his picture and wonder what he would have looked like next year or the year after. how he would have changed. what he would have accomplished. he was so damned brilliant. a bright and shining star in a giant pool filled with dirt. no one thought the way that he did. no one is anything like him. he was special. not just to me because i loved him or because he was my best friend. i alternate between trying to pretend like it didn't happen, accepting that it did, being sad, being painfully hurt, and being furiously angry. i don't know that i have the energy to handle this.